Chemical warfare every morning
You’re looking at everything I need to build a bomb. I wake up very early during the week, and on days when it’s tough to do, I make Vietnamese iced coffee. It’s strong enough to curl your hair, and if your hair is already curly then it will give you cancer. Do Vietnamese people drink actually this stuff habitually? I don’t know why they aren’t all screaming forever.
After using Cafe Du Monde and a coffee press as you normally would (I haven’t found an actual Vietnamese coffee press yet), you pour the coffee into a cup and stir in condensed milk until the spoon stands up straight. Then throw ice in and drink it until your feet tingle. You’re doing it correctly when your left arm goes numb and you feel angels tapdancing in your brain.
My coffee habit is indicative of a larger issue: I love shitty food. Do I need to remind you about the bacon-wrapped hot dog with sour cream? If it’s fried, battered, sugared, and oily, I want to roll around in it and absorb it through my pores, which is the same way I imagine Paula Deen eats.
I drink a lot of soda too. So much that my mom emailed me a link to a web page titled “3 Surprising Reasons to Give Up Soda,” The reasons (and my rebuttal to each):
1. Soda causes invisible fat buildup around your organs.
The fat buildup around my organs isn’t invisible. It’s quite visible, so soda’s not to blame.
2. Some sodas contain toxic flame retardants.
If I drink enough, I’ll become fireproof. Talk about win-win.
3. Most sodas are sweetened with high-fructose corn syrup, and the long-term effects impacts are unknown.
I’m already a registered organ donor. Now you know I’m willing to put my body even more on the line in pursuit of the delicious.
In all seriousness, I need to cut back on everything. I’d start tomorrow, but I just noticed how late it was. Tomorrow will be a rough morning and that means I’ll be pouring Vietnamese coffee down my throat for at least one more day.