For my next trick, I will make you understand me.

Conan O’Brien – @conanobrien

“I challenge you to find any YouTube video that wouldn’t be improved by the addition of a Basset Hound dressed as Sherlock Holmes.”

Andy Richter – @andy_richter

“I thought I saw Madonna at Petco, but then I realized it was just one of those big rawhide chews.”

Jose Arroyo – @seethingwithjoy

“You see the glass as half-empty, I see a rectal thermometer on a steel pan. We’re looking at different things.”

Todd Levin – @toddlevin

“Batman must have been so weird to talk to while you’re both waiting for the cops to arrive.”

Dan Cronin – @croninwhocares

“I wonder if at a football party today, some guy accidentally said ‘me beer’ instead of ‘beer me’ and now has to move out of state.”

Brian McCann – @imshithead

“Turns out you still need a fireplace if you use a Duraflame log. Sorry ’bout the house, mom.”

Michael Gordon – @betelmoose

“‘No means no.’ – me teaching my daughter Spanish.”

Laurie Kilmartin -@anylaurie16

“Oprah’s Chicago apartment is available for rent. The apartment comes 2 master bedrooms, 3 full bathrooms and 12 exhausted mirrors.”

Andrés du Bouchet – @dubouchet

“When you close your eyes and just listen to any of the Real Housewives shows, all you hear are lizards gorging themselves on rotten fruit.”

Rob Kutner – @apocalypsehow

“Johnny Ramone’s autobiography is coming out. It’s just three powerful sentences repeated over & over in different combinations.”

Josh Comers – @joshcomers

“Time to face the facts- I can no longer get by on my looks and this unloaded gun.”

Jesse Popp – @jessepopp

“‘For Sale. Kim Jong Il Shoes. Never Worn.’ — Ernest Hemingway”

Deon Cole – @deoncole

“What a beautiful day! Suns out bees humming birds chirping! I better enjoy this hollywood set im on because I get off in 2 hours.”

I received the following email today:

From: Andrew <************@hotmail.com>
Subject: Coffee Cereal

Hey Dylan,
I read your brief article on finding a package of Coffee Cereal in your work kitchen and it took me by surprise. It was the first time that I have read a (relatively) negative review of my product. I realize that most of it was in jest since you stated that you hadn’t yet tried the cereal, but was wondering if you had any suggestions for improvement. If you get the chance to try Coffee Cereal, please let me know what you think of it. I would be interested to know. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Andrew

Andrew is writing in response to my fake sales pitch for Coffee Cereal, where I wrote that his product “makes you forget how hungry and tired you are, but it’s WAY more affordable than cocaine!” Then I wrote that it makes you poop a lot.

I’d like to take this opportunity to publicly respond to Andrew’s email.

Dear Andrew:

You flatter me. To call what I wrote a “review” lends me an air of authority and experience when I have none at all. As I previously wrote (and as you referenced), I haven’t tried your product. I just read the two biggest words on the label. “Coffee” and “Cereal.” Then I poured my daily cup of coffee and made my daily bowl of cereal.

When I received your email, my first thought was “How can I spin this to get cool free stuff?” But in the spirit of entrepreneurship and collaboration, let me drop the jokes for a minute and offer you my ideas on how to better your product. If you use any of them, I’ll sue.

• Coffee Cereal should improvement the quality of my erection
• Coffee Cereal should make me remember what it’s like to be young again. And I mean young! I’m talking six months old. “Googoo gaga,” etc.
• three words: Decaf Coffee Cereal
• merchandising! A coffee mug that says “My other coffee is cereal.”

Why limit yourself to conventional cereal? I could see you bringing coffee to the shredded wheat and oatmeal markets too. Quaker Oats has had it easy for too long!

And there’s no need to stop at coffee. People are putting all kinds of stuff in cereal these days. Let me pitch you on your next one. It’s sugared pieces of toasted oat, but as a twist, there’s all kinds of fun-shaped multicolored marshmallow bits in it. Call it…Charms of Luck!

In your email, you said that you realize “most of [what I wrote] was in jest,” but you were incorrect. All of it was in jest. Including this.

Be well,
Dylan

PS: I am still happy to give you my address so that you can send me cool free stuff.

Eric Stangel – @ericstangel

“Spent all day printing out Wikipedia. If anyone needs it, you can take turns signing it out…”

Justin Stangel - @justin_stangel

“It’s Sunday morning. Some are in church. Some are reading the paper. I’m on couch in pain because 4 year old punched me in the nuts”

Jill Goodwin - @jippyg

“Can’t we all just get a Long Duk Dong? #RodneyKingSixteenCandlesMashup”

Joe Grossman - @joe_grossman

“Ideas too dumb for the show: ‘Big Momma’s House of Representatives.’”

Lee Ellenberg - @leeellenberg

“If life hands you lemons and diabetes, make sugar-free lemonade.”

Steve Young - @pantssteve

“DID YOU KNOW? Martin Luther King Jr.’s father was named Martin Luther King Jr., Sr.”

Chris Belair - @chris_belair

“A guy spent $1 million getting plastic surgery to look like Superman. He’s now ready to face his longtime nemesis: Women”

Jeremy Weiner - @jjweiner

“It’s easier than you might think to find someone in the Bronx to suck snake venom out of your thigh.”

Bill Scheft - @billscheft

“This morning had long argument w/my footman about difference between “crisp” and “crispy.” Servants!”

Jena Friedman - @jenafriedman

“when I saw Carmelo Anthony was trending on Yahoo, I just assumed it was the name of Casey Anthony’s dog”

I interned at Late Night with Conan O’Brien in 2008. While I don’t work for Conan anymore, I have a very small relationship with the people on the show now through my current job and they sent me a bag of cool stuff. Here’s what it contained:

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A note from the staff declaring their endless admiration for me.

Stickers for branding anything that has yet to be branded, like pets and hammers.

A Team Coco mug. It's up to me to fill it with something exciting.

A shirt that says "32 MPH Baby." It's an XL. They think I'm fat.