For my next trick, I will make you understand me.

God bless the 24-hour Rite Aid down the street from my house. When I need Peanut M&Ms, a last-minute prescription refill, or a passive-aggressive interaction with a cashier, it’s there for me no matter what time it is. And I go in there unapologetically, too. It doesn’t matter if I’m right off work wearing a nice flannel shirt or if it’s 2 AM and I’m wearing my pajama pants. I own that place.

I give a polite smile to the security guard every time I walk in, and he always returns it with twice the strength. I don’t know why. I’m not there to see him. I’m there because it’s been a long day and daddy needs a cookie fix.

I learned that I was out of toilet paper at a very inconvenient time last night. I walked into the Rite Aid all set to buy four new rolls for $1. But the neurotic muscle in my brain started flexing immediately – “Wait a minute, if I only buy toilet paper right now, the cashier will know that I have to poop. That’s too embarrassing.”

At the last minute, I picked up a few candy items to throw her off. I was less secure with her knowing that I was due for a bowel movement than I was with her realizing I eat like a child.

I’ve spent more time watching Cops than some people have probably spent watching television in general. When you spend an evening inside watching lawmen dispense televised justice, you’re working overtime on an assembly line that manufactures nothing.

I’d argue that that show serves a legitimate sociological purpose by giving people permission to feel superior to the cast of toothless cracked-out characters that get arrested each week. You’d never do heroin. You’d never beat your wife. You’d never steal a car. But here comes a tornado or derelicts that do all those things. And then they get caught for your entertainment. Sure, you might be an evil bastard who prays for your enemy’s death, but at least you’ve never gotten caught robbing a gas station with a pickaxe.

A few things you learn from watching this perfect show:

• Everyone has crack or meth on them all the time.
• If you have your shirt off, you’re going to get arrested.
• Cops love explaining how their drug test kit works – “If this liquid turns blue, it’s positive for cocaine,” etc.
• Police dogs speak German.
• No bike cop has ever been mistaken as heterosexual.

The last big thing you learn is that Los Angeles is fucked up. Here’s a small study of the crazy things that happen there compared to the “crazy” stuff that happens elsewhere.

Anchorage, AK: A man gets sad so the cops take him to get psychiatric help.
Los Angeles, CA: A woman in a wheelchair gets beaten by her drunken caretaker.

Chattanooga, TN: A domestic disturbance call ends with a husband and wife kissing and making up.
Los Angeles, CA: A man is so desperate to avoid arrest that he shoots himself in the stomach.

California, get your act together. Or don’t. Either way, I’ll be watching.

Dan Harmon -  @danharmon

“Drank 5 hour energy. Then 2 sudafed. Forgetting I’d taken them, had a vodka rocks. Just saw Ben Franklin in the kitchen. He says aisisjd”

Megan Ganz - @meganganz

“A woman full of whiskey is like a cupcake full of hornets.”

Neil Goldman - @neilskee

“I’ve given up trying to convince my parents that our show isn’t called ‘The Community.’”

Sona Panos - @sonapanos

“The quicker you realize no one gives a shit about you, the faster you can start not giving a shit about yourself. Wait, that can’t be right.”

Chris Kula - @chriskula

“LA has a wealth of excellent Mexican restaurants, at least four of which I drove past on my way to Chipotle.”

 Adam Countee – @adamcountee

“I hate when pizza is over.”

Andy Bobrow - @abobrow

“”Mr. President, should I order an airstrike?” “No. You can’t send a plane to do a horse’s job.” #dialoguefromwarhorse?”

Garrett Donovan - @garrettdonovan

“I just thought of a great tweet.”

Steve Basilone - @sbasilone

“So long as the 16 year old version of myself would think what I’m doing now is cool, I know I’m okay.”

Tim Saccardo - @timsaccardo

“Guy coming out of the men’s room apologized as I was walking in. But some things just can’t be forgiven.”

Chris McKenna - @cpmckenna

“I’m Laura Linney, and I’ve always been 41.”

Alex Cooley - @alexcooley

“My lip gloss makes my lips tingle and go numb and is probably giving me cancer. I hope boys notice that my lips are shiny!”

Annie Mebane - @anniemebane

“laugh like people are dancing like no one’s watching.”