For my next trick, I will make you understand me.

weather

At the end of the workday on Friday, these murderclouds rolled up by the office window. What's going on with the weather? It's already 50 degrees at the end of January. Next I'm expecting frogs to rain from the sky and the East River to turn into blood. How would that be for irony? A city as godless as New York gets stricken with plagues. It is 2012, after all.

joeandmario

I hung out with my friends Matt and Joe. Here's Joe bonding with his spirit animal - the mustachioed Italian plumber. Neither one of them knows what they're pointing at.

sitar

We ate at a great Indian restaurant with live music. This guy was tucked over in a corner, shredding away on his dilruba like Hendrix in a turban.

bar

Coworker's birthday party at a bar down the street. I spent most of it doing card tricks.

jon

On Saturday I hung out with my illustrious college roommate, Jon. We put our respective life situations on the operating table to help each other dissect and understand them.

ponybarmenu

These efforts were obviously made easier with help from the excellent beer menu at The Pony Bar on 10th Avenue.

onthesubway

I made a rare trip by subway to go to a concert at Irving Plaza.

subwayjazz

As I got off the train, here were these two guys absolutely killing it on guitar. Free music supplement!

ohsleeper

My dad secretly hates that I live in a city as culturally momentous as New York without getting out to see much live music. He's correct to feel that way, so I bought tickets to see Oh, Sleeper, a metal band from Fort Worth, Texas. I spent a significant amount of time in high school with headphones dispensing metal into my ears, so that type of music has a real nostalgia value to me. The show was incredible - fists in the air, hair whipping all around, and singer Micah Kinard's interstitial growls of "New Yoooork Ciiiityyy!"

neilandandy

After Oh, Sleeper, I made my way into Brooklyn to catch the tail end of Andy and Harry's Apartment Mic. Each weekend they invite the self-involved comedians of New York into their living room to try out new material in front of each other and it's always a good time. After the last comic went up, Andy's guitar came out. I had no idea how well he could play.

standup

Cue a major sleep catchup on Sunday morning. I rolled out of bed and biked to another open mic at The Creek and the Cave. This is a picture of what it looks like when someone airs his insecurities in public.

dumplings

My weekend ended as it usually does with a visit to the dumpling house. My dinner (which will also be tomorrow's lunch) only cost $5. Now it's time to plow my way through another working week.

Dan Harmon -  @danharmon

“Drank 5 hour energy. Then 2 sudafed. Forgetting I’d taken them, had a vodka rocks. Just saw Ben Franklin in the kitchen. He says aisisjd”

Megan Ganz - @meganganz

“A woman full of whiskey is like a cupcake full of hornets.”

Neil Goldman - @neilskee

“I’ve given up trying to convince my parents that our show isn’t called ‘The Community.’”

Sona Panos - @sonapanos

“The quicker you realize no one gives a shit about you, the faster you can start not giving a shit about yourself. Wait, that can’t be right.”

Chris Kula - @chriskula

“LA has a wealth of excellent Mexican restaurants, at least four of which I drove past on my way to Chipotle.”

 Adam Countee@adamcountee

“I hate when pizza is over.”

Andy Bobrow - @abobrow

“”Mr. President, should I order an airstrike?” “No. You can’t send a plane to do a horse’s job.” #dialoguefromwarhorse?”

Garrett Donovan - @garrettdonovan

“I just thought of a great tweet.”

Steve Basilone - @sbasilone

“So long as the 16 year old version of myself would think what I’m doing now is cool, I know I’m okay.”

Tim Saccardo - @timsaccardo

“Guy coming out of the men’s room apologized as I was walking in. But some things just can’t be forgiven.”

Chris McKenna - @cpmckenna

“I’m Laura Linney, and I’ve always been 41.”

Alex Cooley - @alexcooley

“My lip gloss makes my lips tingle and go numb and is probably giving me cancer. I hope boys notice that my lips are shiny!”

Annie Mebane - @anniemebane

“laugh like people are dancing like no one’s watching.”

You’re looking at everything I need to build a bomb. I wake up very early during the week, and on days when it’s tough to do, I make Vietnamese iced coffee. It’s strong enough to curl your hair, and if your hair is already curly then it will give you cancer. Do Vietnamese people drink actually this stuff habitually? I don’t know why they aren’t all screaming forever.

After using Cafe Du Monde and a coffee press as you normally would (I haven’t found an actual Vietnamese coffee press yet), you pour the coffee into a cup and stir in condensed milk until the spoon stands up straight. Then throw ice in and drink it until your feet tingle. You’re doing it correctly when your left arm goes numb and you feel angels tapdancing in your brain.

My coffee habit is indicative of a larger issue: I love shitty food. Do I need to remind you about the bacon-wrapped hot dog with sour cream? If it’s fried, battered, sugared, and oily, I want to roll around in it and absorb it through my pores, which is the same way I imagine Paula Deen eats.

I drink a lot of soda too. So much that my mom emailed me a link to a web page titled “3 Surprising Reasons to Give Up Soda,” The reasons (and my rebuttal to each):

1. Soda causes invisible fat buildup around your organs.
The fat buildup around my organs isn’t invisible. It’s quite visible, so soda’s not to blame.

2. Some sodas contain toxic flame retardants.
If I drink enough, I’ll become fireproof. Talk about win-win.

3. Most sodas are sweetened with high-fructose corn syrup, and the long-term effects impacts are unknown.
I’m already a registered organ donor. Now you know I’m willing to put my body even more on the line in pursuit of the delicious.

In all seriousness, I need to cut back on everything. I’d start tomorrow, but I just noticed how late it was. Tomorrow will be a rough morning and that means I’ll be pouring Vietnamese coffee down my throat for at least one more day.

This is what I looked like doing standup comedy on Friday night. Decked out in my finest flannel? Check. Weird black shapes to my bottom-left? Check. This particular booking came about by happy accident. The show usually puts up a band in between two comedians, but the band jumped ship without letting anyone know. Everyone threw their name in a hat to see who would take the band’s spot and mine came up. No talent required to get the spot, just being present and having the dumb luck of the draw was enough. Just like real show business!

The jokes went over well. If only they could have been that well-received during happy hour with coworkers yesterday night. I seem to have a very binary superpower – I can either make a group of people laugh and feel at ease or make them look at their shoes and feel very uncomfortable.

We have a small San Francisco office and they’ve been in town for a few days. I sized them up obsessively and arrived at the following conclusion – the West Coasters looks better than us. They’re tanned, better dressed, still have hope in their eyes. And in my imagination they’re physically stronger. Maybe it has something to do with sunshine. Maybe I should start taking Vitamin D supplements.