You should follow Jimmy Fallon’s writers on Twitter
Jimmy Fallon – @jimmyfallon
“Texted a friend: ‘What time’s Dennis’ surprise party?’ Dennis texted back: ‘Guess it’s just a party now.’ #textingdisaster”
A.D. Miles – @80miles
“Quick fun way to confuse strangers: dump a quart of hot turkey chili into a public toilet. Smells delicious, looks horrible.”
Eric Ledgin - @iamledgin
“When I think of all the plastic I’ve saved with my reusable salad bowl, I feel so much better about the kid I ran over with my car in 1997.”
Jen Statsky – @jenstatsky
“Hard to imagine that if I ever have a teenage son, I won’t constantly be walking around my house wondering what he’s stuck his penis in.”
Bashir Salahuddin – @bashirsala
“If Morgan Freeman came in my house and told me to go to my room. I’d be like ‘whatever’. But then I’d go.”
Gerard Bradford – @gerardbradford
“I’m the Michael Jordan of drinking yourself to sleep on the couch.”
Jon Rineman - @rinemania
“Pointed out to my mom that our cat’s gone deaf. She said ‘So what?’ And, I had no real answer.”
Diallo Riddle – @dialloriddle
“Romney’s boys – ‘Please, Father, make it a merit-based society!’”
Justin Shanes - @justinshanes
“No girl thinks mosquitoes are attracted to her an average amount.”
Amy Ozols - @amyozols
“I have a fish you guys. He judges me sometimes. About all the snacking.”
Mike DiCenzo - @mikedicenzo
“And an eerie hush fell over the employees of Radio Shack, for lo, a customer had walked in.”
Jeremy Bronson - @jeremybronson
“Etta James died. At laaast.”