Everything there is to know!

Atlas! Atlas! Atlas!

Here’s my challenge to you, you facile multitaskers
making short work of the multiverse
with your “smartphones” and “screen protectors!”

Why not just do one thing!

Today I listened to an audiobook on the couch and did nothing else,
you know, reading and shit!
Did you know that Nikola Tesla was born during a lightning storm!
Tomorrow I’m gonna ride my bike
and not even try to listen to music at the same time!

Go ahead and check in while following up and circling back.

I’ll just be over here
retiring every day!

Chess is the first game I remember learning how to play.

I was in DH’s living room in 1995. He set up a chessboard on the ottoman to walk me through my first game while his parents watched what was either a new episode of The Jeff Foxworthy Show or the same episode over and over again. Our play was punctuated with stabs of his mom’s laughter, and his dad, a closet chess genius, kept half an eye on us to make sure we played a “legitimate” game, which we did — DH beat me handily and went into the kitchen for some Chips Ahoy and I contemplated just how severely he had schooled me.

Chess is a great game, and especially so at a younger age. It establishes the world as literally black and white, with absolute boundaries and transparent rules for how you navigate within them. The subtext says: “Be not afraid! Despite locking you in diametric conflict with your best friend, I’m such an understandable, approachable game that you can reduce all my subtleties to a notation of letters and numbers after the fact.” It’s reassuring, and that’s an odd characteristic for a game rather unambiguously derived from the hells of war.

Then one day some asshole took Monopoly down from the game shelf at school and started setting it up. Now there’s money and real estate to play for, and that’s how you win? Why is this paper more valuable than the thing it represents? And what’s with the dice? I can’t make the move that I think is best for every turn? My black and white world is turning pink and blue and gray. I was represented by a diecast shoe, I won a beauty contest, then I was sent to jail for no reason. We eventually stopped playing, not because someone had won, but because it was lunch time and no one’s actually completed a game of Monopoly since 1945.

A gallant chess player makes a move and says, “Take that!” A savvy Monopoly player lands on unclaimed property and says, “I’ll be taking that now.”

You can take your pick between the two games. Me, I’ll be working on my knight moves.

Lady Gaga is wearing clothes made out of coffee filters.

LADY GAGA: I have some really amazing fans, and because of them I’m just not really afraid of anything.

JIMMY KIMMEL: Is that why you’re not afraid of anything? Why am I afraid of everything?