For my next trick, I will make you understand me.

Jimmy Fallon – @jimmyfallon

“Texted a friend: ‘What time’s Dennis’ surprise party?’ Dennis texted back: ‘Guess it’s just a party now.’ #textingdisaster”

A.D. Miles – @80miles

“Quick fun way to confuse strangers: dump a quart of hot turkey chili into a public toilet. Smells delicious, looks horrible.”

Eric Ledgin - @iamledgin

“When I think of all the plastic I’ve saved with my reusable salad bowl, I feel so much better about the kid I ran over with my car in 1997.”

Jen Statsky – @jenstatsky

“Hard to imagine that if I ever have a teenage son, I won’t constantly be walking around my house wondering what he’s stuck his penis in.”

Bashir Salahuddin – @bashirsala

“If Morgan Freeman came in my house and told me to go to my room. I’d be like ‘whatever’. But then I’d go.”

Gerard Bradford – @gerardbradford

“I’m the Michael Jordan of drinking yourself to sleep on the couch.”

Jon Rineman - @rinemania

“Pointed out to my mom that our cat’s gone deaf. She said ‘So what?’ And, I had no real answer.”

Diallo Riddle – @dialloriddle

“Romney’s boys – ‘Please, Father, make it a merit-based society!’”

Justin Shanes - @justinshanes

“No girl thinks mosquitoes are attracted to her an average amount.”

Amy Ozols - @amyozols

“I have a fish you guys. He judges me sometimes. About all the snacking.”

Mike DiCenzo - @mikedicenzo

“And an eerie hush fell over the employees of Radio Shack, for lo, a customer had walked in.”

Jeremy Bronson - @jeremybronson

“Etta James died. At laaast.”

Andy is honest, thoughtful, and generous. He’s full of more love than almost anyone I know. To top it off, he’s a genuinely happy person. So when I saw him trade verbal blows with a stranger yesterday, it was jarring and awesome in a pass-the-popcorn way.

We eat at this Indian diner on Houston Street a lot. It’s dirt cheap and that means the owners make certain sacrifices to keep their business running. The most noticeable sacrifice is the size of the place – it’s a glorified hallway, just wide enough for two people to walk past each other, knock shoulders, and apologize. It only takes about four people in the place to feel a little crowded. But we ignore this. It’s full of character and the cashier always recognizes us, throwing a little extra spice in our tea for free.

A nasty exclamation point of a girl made her way past Andy in an effort to leave the store. Remember: it’s a small space. We had to shuffle around for a few seconds to make room, and she got testy. “Excuse me,” she said. “I’m trying to get…excuse me.”

Now, “excuse me” certainly means “excuse me.” But sometimes it also means “fuck you.” And this girl’s tone reeked of it. Short, exasperated breaths at the end of her words. Symptoms of a mild meltdown. Sure, Andy and I are a couple of weirdos, but why do you have to stress us out in this great place that sells chickpeas for three dollars? Andy yelled after her as she plodded out the door.

“Come on, lady. You’re not that hot!”

***

I’m from Virginia, a state that isn’t necessarily known as a hotbed for technological development unless you count the first guy to catch a fish with his hands. Pretty sure that was us. Either way, it’s nice to know that my home senator, Mark Warner, is decidedly against SOPA and PIPA.

Conan O’Brien – @conanobrien

“I challenge you to find any YouTube video that wouldn’t be improved by the addition of a Basset Hound dressed as Sherlock Holmes.”

Andy Richter – @andy_richter

“I thought I saw Madonna at Petco, but then I realized it was just one of those big rawhide chews.”

Jose Arroyo – @seethingwithjoy

“You see the glass as half-empty, I see a rectal thermometer on a steel pan. We’re looking at different things.”

Todd Levin – @toddlevin

“Batman must have been so weird to talk to while you’re both waiting for the cops to arrive.”

Dan Cronin – @croninwhocares

“I wonder if at a football party today, some guy accidentally said ‘me beer’ instead of ‘beer me’ and now has to move out of state.”

Brian McCann – @imshithead

“Turns out you still need a fireplace if you use a Duraflame log. Sorry ’bout the house, mom.”

Michael Gordon – @betelmoose

“‘No means no.’ – me teaching my daughter Spanish.”

Laurie Kilmartin -@anylaurie16

“Oprah’s Chicago apartment is available for rent. The apartment comes 2 master bedrooms, 3 full bathrooms and 12 exhausted mirrors.”

Andrés du Bouchet – @dubouchet

“When you close your eyes and just listen to any of the Real Housewives shows, all you hear are lizards gorging themselves on rotten fruit.”

Rob Kutner – @apocalypsehow

“Johnny Ramone’s autobiography is coming out. It’s just three powerful sentences repeated over & over in different combinations.”

Josh Comers – @joshcomers

“Time to face the facts- I can no longer get by on my looks and this unloaded gun.”

Jesse Popp – @jessepopp

“‘For Sale. Kim Jong Il Shoes. Never Worn.’ — Ernest Hemingway”

Deon Cole – @deoncole

“What a beautiful day! Suns out bees humming birds chirping! I better enjoy this hollywood set im on because I get off in 2 hours.”

I received the following email today:

From: Andrew <************@hotmail.com>
Subject: Coffee Cereal

Hey Dylan,
I read your brief article on finding a package of Coffee Cereal in your work kitchen and it took me by surprise. It was the first time that I have read a (relatively) negative review of my product. I realize that most of it was in jest since you stated that you hadn’t yet tried the cereal, but was wondering if you had any suggestions for improvement. If you get the chance to try Coffee Cereal, please let me know what you think of it. I would be interested to know. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Andrew

Andrew is writing in response to my fake sales pitch for Coffee Cereal, where I wrote that his product “makes you forget how hungry and tired you are, but it’s WAY more affordable than cocaine!” Then I wrote that it makes you poop a lot.

I’d like to take this opportunity to publicly respond to Andrew’s email.

Dear Andrew:

You flatter me. To call what I wrote a “review” lends me an air of authority and experience when I have none at all. As I previously wrote (and as you referenced), I haven’t tried your product. I just read the two biggest words on the label. “Coffee” and “Cereal.” Then I poured my daily cup of coffee and made my daily bowl of cereal.

When I received your email, my first thought was “How can I spin this to get cool free stuff?” But in the spirit of entrepreneurship and collaboration, let me drop the jokes for a minute and offer you my ideas on how to better your product. If you use any of them, I’ll sue.

• Coffee Cereal should improvement the quality of my erection
• Coffee Cereal should make me remember what it’s like to be young again. And I mean young! I’m talking six months old. “Googoo gaga,” etc.
• three words: Decaf Coffee Cereal
• merchandising! A coffee mug that says “My other coffee is cereal.”

Why limit yourself to conventional cereal? I could see you bringing coffee to the shredded wheat and oatmeal markets too. Quaker Oats has had it easy for too long!

And there’s no need to stop at coffee. People are putting all kinds of stuff in cereal these days. Let me pitch you on your next one. It’s sugared pieces of toasted oat, but as a twist, there’s all kinds of fun-shaped multicolored marshmallow bits in it. Call it…Charms of Luck!

In your email, you said that you realize “most of [what I wrote] was in jest,” but you were incorrect. All of it was in jest. Including this.

Be well,
Dylan

PS: I am still happy to give you my address so that you can send me cool free stuff.